The Downside of Being a Seahorse
by iheartmwpp
Summary: While researching Animagi transformations, Sirius looks up a strange creature that he would most certainly NOT like to transform into. Then the Marauders have a fun conversation about male pregnancy.


_A/N: Three years ago today, I started writing a dumb thing. So here's another dumb thing. Dndchk made me do it; send any and all complaints to her._

**Disclaimer:** All the info on seahorses was taken from Wikipedia. Also if I were J.K. Rowling I wouldn't have made my favorite character's life so unendingly tragic.

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"WHAT EVEN IS THIS," yelled Sirius, staring at a passage in some old and slightly mangled book. Miraculously, Madam Pince didn't notice due to some spell James had put up that masked their voices from her. As Remus sat down next to Peter, he reflected that he really needed to get James to teach it to him sometime.

"What's what?" asked Peter, looking up gratefully from his Transfiguration homework.

Sirius flipped open _Strange Muggle Creatures That Could Almost Be Mistaken for Magical Creatures_ so they all could see it.

"Seahorses!" he cried dramatically, pointing at a moving illustration that showed a large seahorse blowing bubbles and bobbing around. "I thought male seahorses getting pregnant was just supposed to be a joke, you can't tell me it's a real thing!"

"Of course it's real," said Remus, staring at Sirius incredulously. "It's common knowledge that the male seahorse is the one who carries the babies. How could you not know this?"

"I thought it was just a Muggle joke or something!" Sirius protested, turning the book back around and staring back at the page in shock. "Males can't get pregnant, that's practically the definition of being male, isn't it? That we can't carry babies?"

"Of course we can't carry babies, we don't have wombs!" said James, grinning. "Where's the fetus gonna gestate, you gonna keep it in a box?"

"I'm really regretting showing you _anything_ Monty Python related," said Remus in a long-suffering voice as Peter laughed.

"It was your mum's idea!" James retorted.

"Because she was desperate to keep you from blowing up the house."

"Well it worked, didn't it? And your dad didn't have a problem with me quoting anything!"

"He doesn't have to dorm with you ten months out of the year."

"Putting aside that we all really need to go over Remus's house next summer so Peter and I can get caught up to speed on whatever it is you two are talking about, _males can't get pregnant!"_ Sirius all but shouted as Remus leaned across the table and plucked the book from his trembling hands. "Why don't they just swap them around or whatever, so the females can be the ones carrying the babies as usual!"

"Because the females are still the ones that produce the eggs while the males still fertilize them," Remus summarized, glancing down the section. "The female basically squirts the eggs into a sort of pouch the males have and the male releases his sperm into the pouch, fertilizing the eggs. So it's the same roles as other animals, only the male is the one that carries them."

"Which is _messed up,"_ Sirius insisted.

"Sea creatures are weird in general," said James. "There was a sort of nature thing on the delly at Remus's place—"

"Telly," Remus corrected absentmindedly.

"Whatever, but it was showing off all these really deep sea fish and things and they looked right scary, nearly gave me nightmares."

"You don't think any of those are in the lake, do you?" asked Peter, glancing towards the window apprehensively.

"Doubt it, we were watching a thing about the ocean and the lake's freshwater, isn't it?"

"There's a giant squid living in the lake," Sirius reminded them.

"Quiet, you."

"There's a theory here," said Remus, still staring at the section in the book. "It's been suggested that the male carrying the eggs would actually produce more offspring because there might be a shorter birthing period than if the female carried them, and since very very few seahorses survive to adulthood because of predators, the more offspring the better."

"Still weirds me out," said Sirius, shaking his head slowly at the book. "Can you imagine if human males got pregnant?"

"I've got the greatest respect for all the mums of the world," James admitted. "I don't think I'd be willing to go through with it. Isn't it supposed to be really painful?"

"There are potions they could take for the pain," said Sirius dismissively, "but the period leading up to it is still apparently really rough, what with the feeling sick all the time and everything." He brushed his hair out of his eyes. "Can't believe my dear old mother actually went through it _twice_, though, especially since she's always complaining about how I at least wasn't worth what she had to go through."

"But human women are kind of built better for that sort of thing, aren't they?" asked Peter. "It wouldn't be as rough on them as it would be on us."

"Well, yeah, obviously," said James. "Like I said before, they have wombs, we don't."

"It could grow in the stomach, couldn't it?"

"That's what I used to believe, actually," said Remus, smiling slightly. "I didn't get any of this 'special owl order potion' story you lot got, I asked where I came from and my parents told me 'You came out of Mummy's tummy.' Believed that till I was about ten when they finally told me how it actually happens."

"You actually got told to your face?" said James, staring at Remus in awe. "Dad just handed me a book and told me to ask if I had questions."

"Did you?"

"Hell no, was too busy being mortified."

"I had to look up a book on my own," said Sirius. "Pure-blood kids are apparently too sophisticated to actually be told how to continue the bloodline, because that's logic right there."

"I still kind of feel bad for making you three explain it to me in second year," said Peter, blushing. "That was a fun conversation, that was."

"One we will undoubtedly treasure forever," said James, nodding. "Oi, Sirius, what's up now?" he asked, turning to his best friend, who was glaring down at the table as though wishing to set it on fire.

"You just _had_ to bring up that special potion story, didn't you, Moony," he said sullenly.

"I told you not to call me that," said Remus, glancing around to make sure they were still alone in their corner of the library even if no one could hear them anyway. "And why would that story put you off?"

"Because," said Sirius, raising his head and gazing solemnly at them all, "what if there's some kind of Dark potion that _could_ make men pregnant? Or some kind of curse or something?"

The other three stared at him in silence for several long moments.

"…Well now I _will_ have nightmares tonight, thanks so much, Sirius," said James scathingly.

"I vote we _don't_ check out the Restricted Section to try and find out," muttered Remus.

"Seconded," piped up Peter.

"How would that even work, anyway?" said James. "Would the girl you're with somehow transfer her eggs into you, or…" He trailed off, his face paling.

"…You're not saying…" said Remus hesitantly.

"Stop," Sirius commanded. "Just stop right there, don't even think about it."

"Too late," said James miserably, sinking his head into his hands.

"I'm missing something," said Peter.

"You don't want to know," said Remus.

"Figured that, but still morbidly curious."

Remus sighed.

"We've unfortunately come to the conclusion that…another male would have to be involved," he said slowly and morosely.

"…Oh," said Peter, a look of dawning comprehension on his face. "So…"

"Yes."

"…Right."

"How would you even…you know…give birth?" said James slowly. "We don't have a birth canal, nor any sort of…specific opening."

"Cesarean?" suggested Remus.

"What's that?" asked Sirius.

"In emergencies, Muggle doctors can cut open a woman's belly and take the child out that way," Remus explained.

"Fantastic," said James, looking green.

"Hey, I'm just trying not to thing of…well, the openings we _do_ have," said Remus almost apologetically.

They sat in silence, then almost collectively shuddered as one.

"Okay," said Peter, suddenly businesslike. "Let's move away from this topic now."

"Good plan, I like that plan," said James. "Well done, Peter."

"Any time."

"Absolutely, this is…this is just really freaking me out," said Sirius. "I'm just not ever going to have kids no matter what, if only to save myself from ever having to think about this conversation ever again."

"I agree," said Peter.

"We all know why I can't," said Remus, "so I have nothing to worry about."

"Lucky bastard," muttered Sirius.

"First time I've been called lucky for this," said Remus darkly.

"Well you are."

"Whatever you say."

"I…kinda think I would like to have kids someday," James said slowly, "but I'd find a girl who would actually be willing to carry them herself. Me carrying them…not really my thing."

Sirius snorted.

"Would you like me to massage your ankles for you, Jamie dear?"

"Sod off," said James casually, closing the book and moving it aside.

"What even brought up the seahorse thing in the first place, anyway?" asked Remus.

"Right, you were still talking with old Sluggy when we started this whole thing, weren't you?" said James, exchanging glances with Sirius.

"Yeah, he's consented to let me do some remedial work, thankfully."

"That's what we're doing," said Peter quickly. "You know how badly I'm doing in Transfiguration. I was hoping that if I do some extra research on Animagi or something, McGonagall might boost my grade a little."

"So James and Sirius offered to help, they went off on a tangent about weird animals, and suddenly Sirius is freaking out about seahorses?"

"Exactly," said Sirius, nodding fiercely.

"You lot are mental," Remus concluded. He turned to Peter. "You want me to sit in on this so they don't go even more mental or do you think you can handle it, because I really need to get started on my Potions assignment."

"I'll try to keep them in line this time," said Peter, smirking. "I'm sure if I offer to research male pregnancies instead, they'll start helping me again right quick."

"You are a cruel, cruel man, Peter Pettigrew," said James, chuckling while Sirius blanched.

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Right, I'm off. You lot have fun and try not to get pregnant."

"Moony, I am _warning you—"_

James and Peter laughed as they waved Remus off. Once he was out of earshot, James turned to Sirius.

"Calm down, mate," he said laughingly. "I'm sure your form won't be a seahorse…"

* * *

_A/N: Wouldn't it suck if someone's Animagus form _was_ obscenely useless like that? Huh, maybe that's why there are really so few of them, because their animal turned out to be kind of lame. I can't see being a jellyfish all that thrilling…Insert the song "Mental Floss" by Jimmy Buffet here._

_**Review or if you're a bloke you'll wind up preggers. Or you'll turn into a seahorse or something.**_


End file.
